Kieran Kelly


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The 24 signs of coercive control.

Attachment, Alienation, Authenticity

Look through each of these headings. See do some or most apply to your life. If they do then you are in a controlling relationship which is toxic to you. You are being manipulated and controlled. You are losing or have lost your self authenticity. It is not your fault. It creeps up on you. It is covert. It is never too late to take action. Somewhere in your life you have come to believe that you don’t deserve love or respect. This is not your fault. This is trauma. Trauma is not what happened to you….it is what happened in your head. Your perception of what happened. It is your fault if you do not do something about it when you are armed with the knowledge I shall give you.
You will have knowledge.You will regain your authenticity. You can be free from toxic, manipulative and narcissistic people,irrespective of who they are.
You will become aware.

  1. You have a sinking feeling in your stomach.You know something is wrong. You feel you are being systematically destroyed. You don’t recognize yourself and have lost your identity.
  2. You are depressed,suicidal, drinking or drugging too much. Life has become intolerable. The pattern of behavior of the toxic person is so bad you have lost all your feelings. You have no rights of self left.
  3. You have lost choices. You don’t act because you want to but because of the fear of the reaction of the toxic person if you fail to act in an appropriate way…ie.. what may happen if i don’t do this.
  4. You are walking on eggshells. Fear of the actions or reactions of the other partner is your primary motivation.
  5. Violence. You are experiencing violence or the threat of violence.
  6. Continually putting you down covertly or calling you names. You are experiencing obvious verbal abuse. Usually toxic narcissists are more covert. They will say things to you that hurt you but will say that they are just helping you to be a better person and they want and love you so much.
  7. Never seeing anything good in you. ( CCNP) ‘The Controlling Narcissistic Person’ can’t see how much you try to please them. You start to wonder about yourself..maybe they are right. If you say that they are undermining you, then they will say that of course they do but you are just negative and don’t remember all the good things.
  8. You never feel supported or encouraged. You instead feel demeaned and that you are no good at anything and you are lucky to have them to keep you going as you are so incapable. They twist everything so it’s difficult for you to know what you are or are not doing or capable of. They are better than you and anything you do or have done is insignificant. The CCNP, on the other hand can do no wrong.
  9. Call monitoring and accusations. You have no privacy.All your calls,messages,emails are monitored. They will tell you that if you have nothing to hide then everything should be open and giving. You then begin to act covertly to avoid these situations and delete calls etc., playing into their hands.The toxic partner will accuse you of doing things that you didn’t do and you are constantly trying to prove you didn’t. They will isolate you from your family. If you meet somebody that they feel threatened by, like another man or woman then you are having an affair or just trying to hurt them. Of course their calls and messages are private.
  10. Anger. Toxic narcissists as partners become angry if you don’t do what they want. It becomes a means of control. You become programmed or conditioned to give in just to have some peace.
  11. Talking about you and character assination. The CCNP is always talking about you to others, highlighting your faults, what you did wrong, how you are no good and how hard it is for them to try to manage or deal with you.
  12. Arguing and undermining. This is a constant and ever present part of your life. Over time it wears you down.This is where the ‘Public Character defects’ period begins. They argue like hell with you and then you both have to go to a family gathering, party or concert. You are still very upset over the argument but they are flying. Then they tell everybody how concerned they are about you and your mental health and how you used to love meeting people but now you are not yourself and they are going to try to help you.
  13. De-authentication and devaluing. Nothing you do is ever good enough. If you have a career then you should be doing much better,earning more money or have more status. They, on the other hand, are the epitome of all that is good in the world.
  14. Finances. The CCNP always controls the money and finances. They have access to your bank account and any other money you have. They tell you that you are no good with money whereas they are just so brilliant with it and that they are acting in your best interest. You will be glad they are looking after you and you should be grateful. Their bank account is private, naturally.
  15. Know what’s best for you. The toxic partner always knows what is best for you and you are very ungrateful if you do not allow them to make all your choices as it’s for your own good.Nobody loves you more than they do and they will make all the decisions.
  16. Talk back. The CCNP always becomes angry if you disagree with them.This increases if you give them reason or feedback and can become extreme anger or violence if you say negative things about them. One surefire way to know is if they become angry or enraged if you tease them…works every time.
  17. Self Reflection. Another surefire way to identify a toxic person is to see that they have no ability for self reflection or to apologise in any meaningful way…unless they are in trouble or are worried that you may report them to the police or the medics if they have hit you. Then they will promise that they will never do it again and it’s only because they love you so much. They will do it, again and again.
  18. Never lose an argument. They can never, ever lose an argument and they always have to win. They always have to have the last word.
  19. Compromise.. The CCNP has no ability to compromise and they are totally unable to see anything from your point of view. Your perspective is meaningless and you are a bad partner if you do not see things from their point of view. They will have constant, neverending monologues and they won’t allow you to walk away as you are being disrespectful to them.
  20. Withholding. They will withhold or manipulate you by not having sex or money or affection and a big weapon they weild a lot…The silent treatment.
  21. Punishment. The CCNP will punish you in a huge variety of ways if you do not conform or obey.
  22. Turn people against you. Eventually the toxic person will begin to turn people against you. They will say all sorts of untruths about you and start working on your family, friends and associates telling them how difficult you are and that you are a nightmare to live with and that they are very concerned. Something has to be done about you.
  23. Threats. If you say that you can’t stand the situation any more and you want out then they will threaten and possibly do all manner of things. They will threaten you with violence. They will threaten you with loss of career, money, character and finally that you will never see your children again if you leave. They may report you to child welfare or police. They will convince you that you will be found guilty of the many crimes that you have committed and that you will lose everything.
  24. Gaslighted. You are now in such a bad situation that you begin to believe that what the CCNP is saying is the truth. You are going mad. You are in big trouble.

If you are here then I suspect that you can identify with some, most or all of the above. Do not despair. You can get out. You can live life anew. You can break the chains of the past and the terrible situation you find yourself in.
It will take time. You must be willing.
If you follow the program that I have laid out you can change your life and have a life as befits a human being.
Take courage.Get knowledge.
Become aware.

Paddy Rafter

Paddy Rafter

If you need help with with Anxiety, Depression, Addiciton or are experiencing Coercive Control, Join me Community where I share my Music, Tips, Tools and Experiences.